Sunday, October 28, 2012

Fun Ways to mess with Telemarketers

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Fun Ways To Mess With Telemarketers 

   O.K., so let me start off by stating that not ALL telemarketers are bad. Some of these people are simply trying to make a living selling products or services via a tried and proven method. The problem comes from those companies trying to swindle people, or from rude and unprofessional employees. For the ones that seem to call ALL THE TIME, or are rude, or call and hang up, I like to make a little game out of it. I have come up with a few things that are both fun for me AND piss them off to the point that they quit bothering to call. I win both ways! I figure, why let them get me all bent out of shape when I could turn the whole situation around and get some type of benefit from them. I like to share, and let's face it, why should I have all the fun? So, here are my very own fun ways to mess with telemarketers!  

  • Turn The Tables and try to sell them something. This is something to do that gets funnier the more creative and wacky you get with it. Try answering the phone as a professional would. Quickly start the conversation off with something really off-beat like "Thank you for calling The Tiny Penis Pump Factory, My name is Jill, how can I direct your call?" If you are male insist on calling yourself a female name like Jill or Barbara, if you are female try names like Bob or Jeremy. This is sure to get them to pause what they were saying, and they may even momentarily forget their pitch. Keep up your sales pitch during the whole phone call, don't barely give them a chance to speak. Just keep telling them about made up products that you ARE SURE they want and are going to purchase. Some of my favorite made up product are clown accessories(wigs, noses, squirting flowers), oversized butt plugs/tiny penis pumps and monogrammed shoelaces. Frequently ask them questions like "So I'll put you down for three cases, right?"  Rinse and repeat, but just make sure they hang up first!
  • Keep them on hold. This is a classic! The way this works best is to try to sound interested in whatever they are selling, but not TOO interested. Then when the time comes for you to pull out the 'ol credit card,  put them on hold by telling them you have to go get it. Check in every minute or so with some silly excuse for why you haven't found it yet. I like to tell them things like "I can't find my purse"(I'm a guy), "My mother has the card and I keep her in the basement", or "My wall safe isn't where I put it." The point is to keep them on the phone as long as possible, THEN, at the last minute locate a "card". Tell them It's something weird, like a MasterVisa or Sunoco Platinum and start punching numbers into the phone KEYPAD until they hang up.
  • Ask them to call back. Now, I know that you are asking yourself how asking them to call back would make them quit calling, seems a bit like an oxymoron huh? Well the WAY you do it is how it works. You need to say something slick enough that they won't want to call back. Try saying things like "Can you call back later, I was watching porn and my hands are all sticky." or "Oh, shit, I forgot the kids in the closet again, you'll have to call back later". Asking if they would call back after hours for some freaky phone sex works well too.
  • See how many times you can make them repeat things. Every couple of sentences, real polite like, ask them to repeat or clarify what they just said.  Sometimes I will even let them get almost all the way through with what they are saying before I tell them I wasn't really listening and ask if they could they start over. After a few minutes of this even the sturdiest of telemarketers will hang up of their own free will.
  • Talk Randomness. Hey, sometimes when these people call me up I am actually bored and looking to talk to somebody, so that's what I do. I make up dumb stuff to talk about, or just vent about shit that pisses me off. I tell them about my cats and how when the mother cat had her babies on my bed and one was still born and she ate it... and about how the neighbor's dog barks all fucking night and all that prick seems to do is stick his fat head out the window and shout at it, making it worse...and about how when I woke up this morning my back hurt even though I hadn't done anything yet, bla, bla, bla. I JUST DON'T SHUT UP. At some point they say that they have to go, and I win!
I am sure there are plenty of  fun ways to mess with telemarketers, and these are just the first few that jumped into my mind. If you have some other ways that you like to mess with them, let me know! I look forward to seeing some new stuff!