Monday, November 5, 2012

Fuck-it List

    As I was killing time on the interweb thing today I ran across a blog post about someone's bucket list. Everyone knows what a bucket list is, and the one I ran across was a sad rerun of a thousand I've seen before. It had all the basics from jumping out of perfectly good planes to spending more time with senile parents. In fact, it was so sugary and sappy that I felt a little bit sick to my stomach. It made me think that this subject needed some life breathed into it, so I flipped the concept on its head for my post today. Instead of a list that I hope to accomplish before I croak, I wanted to do a list of things that I would be happy about NEVER doing. I call it Fuck-it List.

  1. A bucket list. Let's face it, most of us can't make a good grocery list, much less something this large and thought consuming. Besides, people are busy these days and who needs more things to do?
  2. Eating weird stuff. If I never end up trying pig penis or deep fried cow balls I could care less. I'll leave that for Fear Factor contestants.
  3. Climbing a mountain. Unless there is a large amount of money involved there is no reason to climb a mountain, I'll pass, thank you.
  4. Run a marathon. What are you running for in this day and age? Is there a lion loose from the zoo? No? Then stop running!
  5. Ride in a hot air balloon. Balloons should be used for creepy clowns and birthdays, nothing else.
  6. Hang gliding. Who do I look like, Ben Franklin's crazy cousin?
  7. Noodling. (follow the link, opens in new window)
  8. Go hiking. Hike to the car in the driveway? YES! Hike in nature? NO!
  9. Go to a parade/Be in a parade. Even the people AT the parade don't look like they're having fun. I won't even watch them on T.V.!
  10. Build a raft. Since I don't plan on being on Gilligan's Island anytime soon I'll never have to do this.
  11. Tour Europe. Let's see, the food is bad, they don't like Americans, and it's hard to get a Bud, need I say more?
  12. Kiss/swim with a dolphin. Did you know that dolphins are one of the horniest mammals on Earth? They also have been seen trying to get it on with other animals like sea turtles and manatees.
  13. Visit the Great Wall of China. It's a FRIGGIN' wall! How interesting can a long wall really be?
  14. Swim with sharks. I don't care if Bruce IS a vegetarian, I respectfully decline to meet him for lunch!
  15. Bungee jumping. Let's see, rubber band baby bouncers are dangerous for kids, but I should trust a stranger's rubber band with my life?
  16. Go white water rafting. 
  17. Cliff jumping. When Indians did it they called it "becoming a sacrifice".
  18. Visit the Grand Canyon. Oh, look, a big hole...what's next?
  19. Fast. If I'm hungry, I'M EATING!
  20. Go horseback riding. My nuts hurt just thinking about it!

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